Dear Whoniverse Daily Monitor: Please do not link to this yet. I'll repost the whole thing when it's complete, and I'd rather you saved it for then.

Rating: PG

Author's Notes: Jumping forward again here. I guess it doesn't really matter what order I post these in, and since this is actually the first one I thought of ...

Summary: Forced intimacy clichés are no match for the Doctor. Ten times the universe failed to get everyone's favourite Time Lord laid, despite its best efforts.

Characters: The Seventh Doctor, Ace.



VII. Aliens

"They want us to what?"

"Demonstrate human mating," the Doctor said mildly, continuing to tap on the metal wall panels with the handle of his umbrella. They'd taken her backpack, but the Doctor had somehow persuaded them that the umbrella wasn't a dangerous weapon. "They seem to have assumed that since they found us on Earth, we must belong to the same species. A rather parochial assumption for a space-faring race, don't you think?"

That explained why they'd been shoved in a room with a comfortable looking double bed. Just when she was thinking that the grey, large-eyed creatures were the most polite aliens she'd ever been locked up by.

"When I get my hands on them -"

"Oh, Ace, there's really no need for violence. I think I can talk our way out of this if we can go and meet with their leader directly." He settled on one particular panel and started tapping out a rhythm on it.

There was a mirror on one wall of the room, which Ace assumed was hiding either a secret room or a camera. She made a gesture at it that was all the demonstration they were going to get out of her. "Bollocks to talking," she said. "Can you get the door open?"

"Of course. Unless you think it would be simpler to do what they want?"

"No! I mean ... Could you, even?" The last time the subject of how Doctor's species got born had come up, he'd muttered something about weaving and left it at that. She was perfectly happy thinking that he didn't go in for that sort of thing.

"Well, yes." The Doctor frowned thoughtfully. "At least, I assume so. I haven't, er, tested the equipment in some time. I'd sooner not, though, if it's all the same to you."

Ace could see this conversation opening up onto worlds of information that she didn't need. "I'm not showing a bunch of pervy aliens 'human mating'." And definitely, absolutely not with the Professor.

"I don't see why they can't get their information from a book like anyone else, but these Reticulans seem to prefer - hands-on experimentation, one could say."

"You mean they go around kidnapping people and making them - do it? That's horrible!"

"I suppose if you look at it from a human perspective ... On the bright side, they don't usually kill anyone, and they generally put them back when they've finished. I'm sure that if I can just explain to someone higher up that I'm not actually a human, they'll realise that any data they gathered from us would be useless anyway. They're bound to let us go after that."

Ace wasn't so sure. If he wasn't careful, the Doctor was likely to end up getting himself dissected - there couldn't be too many of his lot wandering around for the Reticulans to poke.

"I think I prefer the aliens that are trying to kill us." At least girl knew where she stood with Daleks or Cybermen, and they'd never expected her to have sex with anyone.

All of a sudden, the panel the Doctor was tapping popped off the wall. "Aha!" he said triumphantly. "Now, if I just pull on this wire here -" the door popped open and he beamed. "Shall we?"

Ace marched out the door. Now she just needed to find her Nitro 9 and she'd be showing the aliens some human behaviour they wouldn't like so much.